Parenting styles: Protect don't control
Learn how to identify the differences between protective and controlling online parenting behaviours.
Technology plays a part in all our lives – especially in the lives of children and young people. They use it at school, at work, to stay in touch with friends and family, to socialise, have fun, and connect.
As parents and carers, we do our best to safeguard and protect children and young people. However, it’s important to be aware of over-controlling behaviours and the harm they can cause. These can undermine your child’s feelings of safety, trust and confidence – and even their other relationships as they grow older.
While you can check for warning signs that another adult is being over-controlling, it’s also good to reflect on your own practices. Follow our tips for positive parenting and the dos and don’ts to protect your child’s wellbeing and safety online without being over-controlling.
On this page
About over-control
When coercive control happens using digital devices or online spaces it’s sometimes called ‘tech-based abuse’ or ‘technology-facilitated abuse’. This can include a parent overusing or misusing digital devices or online platforms and services in their relationship with a child or young person (for example, monitoring, tracking, harassing, or blocking communication). eSafety research found that many children and young people experience tech-based abuse as part of domestic and family violence. The research found there are significant negative impacts of tech-based abuse on the mental health, relationships and routines of children and young people and that it often leaves them feeling scared, guilty and isolated.
When children grow up in homes where they feel constantly watched or controlled, this can impact their confidence and the ability to form healthy relationships later in life. They might grow into adults who feel like they always need permission, or who expect to be controlled by others. This can leave them at greater risk of experiencing ‘coercive control’, a pattern of abusive behaviour used to gain and keep power over a person. Or it can lead to them becoming over-controlling themselves.
Understanding what tech-based abuse can look like and how it happens, allows us to take active steps to protect our children and young people without causing them unintended harm.
Talking with your child about what is happening in their life can help you understand how they’re feeling – including about what you’re doing and why. That way you can try to solve any issues together.
Warning signs
Tech-based abuse can take many different forms. The following are examples of common behaviours that can harm the children and young people who experience them. When these behaviours are repeatedly used against a child or young person it is coercive control.
Monitoring
- Logging into a child’s account without their permission or knowledge
- Tracking a child’s location without their permission or knowledge (for example, through a location sharing app or spyware on their device, or a physical tracker concealed in a gift)
- Using location tracking or video calls to learn about a new home location
- Pretending to be someone else online (for example, impersonating a friend, other family member or police officer) to find out information from the child
Harassment and intimidation
- Calling or texting a child so often that they feel harassed
- Sending abusive, insulting or threatening texts and messages
- Using gaming devices or platforms to leave hurtful messages or threats
- Leaving insulting posts about a child or their family members or loved ones on social media
- Pressing a child for information about others, such as private contact details or passwords
- Forcing, bribing or coercing a child to log into a device, share a password or share account access (including via biometrics such as fingerprints or Face ID)
Blocking communication with safe family or friends
- Banning or blocking communication between a child and people in their support network
- Taking a phone away from a child or restricting their internet access unfairly
- Changing the password to a child’s online account to prevent their access
- Destroying a child’s phone or other device
Positive parenting tips
Putting positive protective behaviours into practice can set good online habits that will follow children into their adult lives and relationships.
Parental controls are often promoted to keep your loved ones safe. However, in some cases, they could encourage an unhealthy level of surveillance and over-control. Parental controls are most effective and protective when they are set up in discussion and collaboration with children and young people.
Having conversations with children and young people about the differences between behaviours that support them to be safe online and behaviours which are controlling can help start supportive, open discussions with them about the potential misuse of tech.
The dos and don’ts
The following examples of positive and problematic parenting behaviours highlight how you can help protect your child’s wellbeing and safety online without over-controlling.
| Do | Don't |
|---|---|
|
Take time to learn more about tech-based abuse, acknowledge and talk with children about their digital and online lives. (Tip: What you say to them will depend on several factors. eSafety has guidance on how to talk about tech-based abuse with children.) |
Disregard the risk of tech-based abuse. Thinking ‘it’s only an adult issue’ ignores the harm children and young people experience. (Tip: eSafety research found that 27% of domestic violence cases involve tech-based abuse of children.) |
| In co-parenting situations, ask your child for permission before setting boundaries around online communication with their other parent or carer, or support them to set their own boundaries. If the other parent or carer is restricting your communication with your child, consider your child’s safety first and seek professional advice if needed to manage co-parenting arrangements. Help children think of ways to be safe if they want or need to stay connected with a parent using abusive behaviour. |
Ban or block communication between a child and their parent, or other family members. (Tip: eSafety research found that children with parents who overly restrict children’s access are much less likely to engage in supportive and protective online activities.) |
|
Speak with your child about the importance of safety – both offline and online – and how location sharing works. Speak with them about when and why you may need to use location controls or tracking to monitor their location during high-risk periods (if there's a history of abuse, for example), and ask for their permission. (Tip: Teaching your child about the potential risks of sharing their location will help them to build good habits around tech and online safety.) |
Install spyware on a child’s device. Tracking a child’s location or stalking their online activity without permission is harmful and erodes trust. |
| Try a parenting communication platform or co-parenting app for coordinating shared care. Make sure to select a communication app that protects your privacy and doesn’t require constant location tracking. If there’s a history of abuse, make sure the app won’t expose personal information that could be misused, and seek professional advice if needed. |
Get information about the other parent or carer through a child. |
| Discuss and make a family-tech agreement. Set up any agreed parental controls together and review when appropriate. Having clear expectations about the use of tech will help build trust in your relationship. Writing an agreement helps to develop critical thinking and self-regulation skills. For example, it may be important for your child to avoid tagging family members online or sharing content that could identify their location. |
Take devices away from children or cut off the internet unfairly or change passwords to prevent access. Respect works both ways and it is important to be engaged, open and supportive to maintain trust and keep lines of communication open. |
|
Talk with your children about what they like to do online. Encourage them to identify a list of trusted adults (including contact details) to go to when they need help for what’s happening online. (Tip: eSafety research found that 52% of children want their parents or carers to play online games with them.) |
Force children to log into their devices, share passwords or share access via biometrics (for example, fingerprints, Face ID). |
| Give your child tips for using devices and accounts more safely. |
Log into a child’s account without permission. For example, to change settings or check what they have been doing. Accessing a child’s account without their knowledge or a discussion can break trust and shut down open, supportive conversations. |
| Ask questions about children’s online interactions. You could find out which platforms and apps they use, and who they interact with as well as check app settings for privacy and security together. | Ignore your child’s online life or rely on parental controls to solve any online safety concerns. |
Safety matters
Parents and carers should always consider what steps are right and relevant to take. It is important to consider how changes to the way children and young people use their tech might escalate the risk of abuse and harm from another parent or carer.
Get help and support
If you are concerned about your or someone else's immediate safety, call the police on Triple Zero (000).
Domestic, family and sexual violence services provide specialised support and advice, so you can choose one that’s right for you. If you you want to get support but think your devices are being tracked or monitored, it may be best to contact the service using a computer or phone belonging to someone else, such as a friend or neighbour.
Support service advice
Frontline workers can contact eSafety’s Technology-Facilitated Abuse Support Service (using the enquiry form) for trauma-informed guidance and advice when they're supporting clients dealing with tech-based abuse as part of family, domestic and sexual violence.
Last updated: 15/09/2025
