Tech-based abuse in families or at home

'You need to share your location with me because I’m the only person who can keep you safe.'

Sometimes, technology gets used in ways that cross the line. If someone is constantly checking where you are, who you're talking to, or what you're doing online – that’s not care, it’s control.

Monitoring and stalking through phones, apps or social media can make you feel watched, trapped or unsafe. This kind of behaviour isn’t just wrong – it’s abuse.

• They’re reading your messages or DMs without asking.
• They control who you talk to online.
• They flood you with texts and calls if you don’t reply.
• They log into your socials or email to check what you’re doing.
• You feel like you’re being watched, even when you’re alone.
• They’ve changed your passwords and you can’t access your account.

'Send me screenshots of your mum’s messages to you or I’ll stop paying for your phone.'

If someone is using technology to frighten, manipulate, pressure or control you and it’s making you feel powerless and unsafe – that’s abuse.

In many cases, this kind of abuse is part of a bigger pattern (coercive control) – especially in situations involving family or domestic violence. It might be used to hurt or punish someone else, like your mum.

They might be messaging you nonstop with aggressive or manipulative comments, threatening to reveal private conversations or information such as your sexuality or gender identity, or using fear to get you to do what they want.

• Posting insults about you or other family members.
• Saying ‘I’ll out you’ or ‘You’ll regret this’ if the person doesn’t reply.
• Using past messages, screenshots or secrets as blackmail, for example, ‘Do what I say, or I’ll show your mum the text where you said you think she's crazy.'
• Implying harm to the person, their loved ones or pets through online messages (including the use of emojis).
• Using apps, group chats or fake accounts to threaten you so you do things for them (‘If you don’t do what I say, I’ll make you pay’ or ‘If you loved me, you’d do it’).
• Using burner accounts or anonymous numbers to harass, intimidate or evade blocks.

'I don’t care if she’s your best friend, she’s a bad influence – and you need to block her.'

Blocking people is often a great way to protect yourself from harmful people online, but if someone is forcing you to block others they could be deliberately cutting you off from people you rely on for help.

They may also take your phone, turn off the Wi-Fi, or delete your contacts – that’s controlling and can be a form of abuse. They might even watch who you talk to and punish you for it. This behaviour isn’t OK, even if they say it’s to protect you.

• A parent turns off your phone to stop you from speaking to the other parent.
• A sibling or carer changes your passwords so you can't get online.
• You’re told you’re ‘not allowed’ to be on social media, even though you are 16 or older.
• A partner demands you block your best friend because they're ‘a bad influence’.

There’s no perfect moment, but you might consider reaching out to a trusted adult or support service when:

• you have physical space or privacy, like when the abusive person is out, or you're at school or with a trusted adult
• you’re using a device the abuser can’t access, like a friend’s phone or a public computer
• the abuser isn’t monitoring you as closely, for example, they're distracted, or their behaviour has eased temporarily
• you have support – someone you trust knows what’s happening and can check in or be nearby
• you feel emotionally ready to take a small action, like changing one password or messaging a support service.

If you’re unsure, it’s OK to wait. You can talk it through with a help service such as 1800RESPECT or Kids Helpline.

That’s totally OK, your safety comes first. Here are some things you can do in the meantime.

• Stay aware of patterns or changes in their behaviour. Noticing what’s happening is a powerful first step.
• Keep in touch with someone you trust, even casually. Staying connected can make it easier to reach out later.
• Plan and think about who you’d contact or where you’d go if you needed to act quickly.
• If it’s safe to do so, try to keep a record of what’s been happening – it could help you later. This could be screenshots, messages, call logs, or notes about what was said and when.
• Use a safer device that you are not worried about the abuser being able to access like a friend’s or school library computer. This may be safer than physical notebooks (even if hidden) or secure apps. You can also mentally track what is going on. Remember that even school or work devices may be compromised if you bring them home or to the same space as the abuser.
   

If you think someone is tracking your device or location:

• Review your app permissions to see which apps can access your location or camera.
• If safe, appropriate and reasonable to do so, turn off location sharing in apps like Snapchat, Google Maps, Messenger or Find My.
• Look for suspicious or unfamiliar apps, especially ones that ask for full access or were installed without you knowing.
• Turn off bluetooth when you’re not using it, some tracking devices rely on it.
• Try to access a different device (like a friend’s phone or school computer) to safely search for support from one of the services we recommend on this page.

If someone is using tech to scare, threaten or harass you:

• Save messages or take screenshots if it’s safe. This can help if you want to report it.
• Block or mute the person (if it won’t escalate the situation).
• Turn off read receipts and limit who can contact you through apps.
• Avoid responding, and limit interactions with chats/messages so the abuser is less likely to know you’ve seen it.
• Talk to someone you trust or get support through 1800RESPECT or Kids Helpline.

If someone has physical or digital control over your phone or accounts:

• Check for any accounts where they might be the admin or have shared access. Many online accounts allow you to check ‘connected devices’ or ‘login history,’ which can be useful to identify unknown or unwanted activity on your accounts.
• Review app settings and check if your emails are being forwarded or your calls/texts are being redirected.
• If possible, use another device to change your passwords and back up important files.
• Turn on multi-factor authentication to secure your accounts if it’s safe to do so.
• Do a factory reset if you're sure it's safe – but only after backing up what you need and confirming they don’t have access to your backup. However, if you are concerned you are being monitored, it may not be safe to restore your device from your back-up. If you choose to factory reset your device, make sure you have saved any evidence you have collected on another device before resetting.