When is ‘love bombing’ coercive control?

On this page:

• Care versus control in a relationship: What our research shows
• What are some red flags for controlling behaviours?
• How do I figure out my online boundaries in a relationship?
• Jordan's story of tech-based abuse – video
• Where can I find support if I'm in a controlling relationship?
• How can I support a friend who is in a controlling relationship?

eSafety research has uncovered some attitudes about the use of technology in romantic relationships that show young people may accept behaviours that could lead to controlling relationships.

In some cases, controlling behaviours can become a more serious form of abuse called coercive control. This is a pattern of behaviour that uses tactics of manipulation, pressure and fear to control someone. Technology is often used because it allows an abuser to constantly track and re-check a partner’s movements. This is a form of abuse called ‘tech-based coercive control’. Read our online safety advisory on how technology is playing an increasing role in coercive control.

Controlling behaviours can be hard to spot. Sometimes they look like they're just enthusiastic or over-the-top signs of affection. 

But when someone uses a number of tactics – or one tactic repeatedly – and flips unexpectedly between 'hot' and 'cold' in their affections to make you feel guilty, anxious or bad about yourself, it’s likely to be controlling behaviour. 

Here are some of the warning signs to look out for: 

Love bombing

This is when someone becomes romantic too quickly, is overly complimentary and/or shows you a lot of attention. It may feel exciting but also like 'too much too soon', and can make it hard to establish and maintain your own boundaries. Some people will love bomb you to force a strong emotional bond so they can influence and manipulate you later on.

Gaslighting

This is about making you doubt yourself, your worth or your sense of reality. It includes posting backhanded compliments (or ‘negging’) on social media to damage your self-esteem. 

Harassment

For example, repeatedly calling you or sending texts and demanding updates, such as ‘What are you doing?’, ‘Who are you with?’, ‘Where are you?’, and expecting an immediate reply.

Monitoring your activity

Messaging your friends or family to check what you’re doing or tracking your device location. It can also include expecting to have your device passcodes to check your texts. 

Pressuring you to ‘prove’ your love

This can include pressuring you to send nudes or sexually explicit photos or videos when you’re not comfortable with that. (These may later be used for blackmail or control, which is a form of ‘image-based abuse’.) 

If you see any of these warning signs, it can be helpful to talk to someone you trust about what to do next. Check out our tips for finding support. 

It’s important to start any new relationship with strong online boundaries, especially if you met this person on a dating app. You can always change your boundaries once you get to know each other, build trust and decide what type of relationship you want. 

Try to separate what you think you should be doing from what you want to do. You don’t have to do, share or send anything that makes you uncomfortable, and neither does your partner. 

You could ask yourself these questions to figure out your boundaries:

• What feels right for me?
• What do I feel comfortable doing?
• What do I feel comfortable sharing? This can include things like location sharing or sharing passwords. 

What does a respectful relationship look like?

• You don’t feel pressure to change anything about yourself.
• You feel you can say ‘no’ to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
• You both can talk about what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable as your relationship grows.
• When there’s disagreement (normal in any relationship), you work through it together and with respect.
• You listen to each other and make sure the other person feels heard.
• You both know consent is never expected or implied, especially when it comes to creating, sharing or receiving intimate images or videos. 

How do you know if someone is disrespecting your boundaries?

• They expect you to share your location as ‘proof’ of your trust and love for each other.
• They get upset or angry if you say ‘no’ to something you don’t feel comfortable doing.  
• They tell you what to post online or get upset when you add someone on social media without their permission.
• They turn up to events you didn’t tell them about, like a friend’s party or a team sport event. If this happens, it’s important to talk to someone you trust as soon as possible. This can be a sign their controlling behaviours are escalating, and your location is being secretly tracked or monitored. (You might also consider getting support from a domestic, family or sexual violence service.) 

When does sharing intimate images become image-based abuse?

“If you break up with me, I’ll share those nudes you sent me with the whole school.”

When someone shares or threatens to share your private photos or videos without your permission – it’s abuse. This can also include taking, editing, or posting images of you in a way that’s meant to shame, control or hurt you.

It can feel scary or violating, especially if it's by someone you trusted – but remember, it’s never your fault. No one has the right to use your image against you. Here are some examples of abuse:

• Sharing intimate photos or videos without your consent.
• Threatening to post or send private images to others.
• Taking screenshots of private snaps or messages and spreading them.
• Using filters, edits or AI to create fake sexual images of you.
• Filming you without your knowledge, especially in private settings.
• Asking for nudes and then using them as blackmail.
• Saying things like “if you really loved me, you’d send me a nude”.

Someone shared (or is threatening to share) an intimate image or video of you

If someone tries to blackmail you by threatening to share an intimate image or video of you, that’s a type of image-based abuse called ‘sexual extortion’ (often known as ‘sextortion’). If you’re under 18 and being blackmailed, the best way to get help is to report it to the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation.

What to do

• Stop all contact with the person blackmailing you if they are demanding money or more intimate content.
• Take screenshots or save their messages if it's safe to do so.
• Don’t respond to threats – instead, report the image, video or message to the platform.
• If the images or videos have been shared, you can contact eSafety and make a report. We can help get images removed and support you through the process.
• Turn on two-factor authentication on your accounts to reduce access by other people.
• Tell someone you trust or reach out to 1800RESPECT, Kids Helpline, or a school counsellor.

The video contains strong themes, including abuse, control and other harmful behaviour online. If you start to feel uncomfortable, it’s okay to pause, step away, or talk to someone you trust. You can also find support with these services.

Jordan’s safe place online was destroyed when a person they trusted crossed the line. 

Types of tech-based abuse Jordan experienced:

• Threats and intimidation
• Monitoring and stalking.

Dealing with a controlling relationship can be a distressing experience and it's important to get the right support for your situation. 

You might like to talk to friends or family members about all things love, boundaries and consent. But if you don't have someone you're comfortable confiding in – or the people in your life aren't modelling the respect or relationship you want for yourself – there are other places you can turn.

Reach out to 1800RESPECT if you think you may be in a controlling relationship, or the relationship is unsafe. It’s a free and confidential 24/7 domestic, family and sexual violence service. Or consider contacting another counselling or support service, like Kids Helpline or Lifeline.

You can also read our advice on what to do if you're experiencing tech-based abuse in a relationship and how to safely report serious online abuse to eSafety.

If you are in danger, call Triple Zero (000) immediately to talk to police. 

• Is tracking your partner healthy? | The Daily Aus podcast with Billi FitzSimons and Sam Koslowski discussing tech-based coercive control.
• The dark side of location-sharing apps | BTN: How do location-sharing apps influence relationships?
• Find the line for you with mates, dates and more | The Line Comfort Zone: helping you have conversations about your boundaries.
• Teach Us Consent | Bringing Consent Education to Australia