In today’s hyperconnected world, technology shapes how young people form relationships. But some digital behaviours that look like care and connection are actually signs of coercive control – a form of abuse that manipulates, isolates and traps people in unhealthy relationships.
This online safety advisory examines the warning signs, explains why young people are especially vulnerable, and outlines what parents, carers and educators can do to help.
In this online safety advisory:
- What is coercive control?
- Why it matters
- How it happens: digital warning signs
- Why young people stay
- What the research shows
- What you can do: advice for parents, carers and educators
- Support services
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour that manipulates, intimidates and dominates another person – often in intimate or dating relationships.
It can include:
- controlling who someone talks to or spends time with
- monitoring their messages and social media
- isolating them from family and friends
- making them feel afraid, confused, or dependent.
Unlike physical abuse, coercive control is often invisible. It erodes a person’s independence and sense of self over time.
Why it matters
Young people are especially vulnerable – and many don’t recognise coercive control when it’s happening.
For example, only 2 in 5 Australian young people (18-24 years) understand the term ‘coercive control’.
At the same time, many believe controlling digital behaviours – such as constant texting or location tracking – are seen as signs of love and care.
This lack of knowledge and confusion makes it easier for abuse to hide in plain sight. And as technology becomes more embedded in relationships, it’s helping coercive control evolve in new and dangerous ways.
How it happens: digital warning signs
Technology can make coercive control feel normal, because it’s such a big part of young peoples’ lives.
Many apps make it easy to allow a person to track, monitor and manipulate their boyfriend or girlfriend.
These tools can:
- enable real-time location tracking
- allow constant message surveillance
- blur the line between affection and control.
Because it’s digital, this abuse is often invisible to friends and family — and sometimes even to the person themselves.
Common behaviours to look out for
- Obsessive texting or calling: Constant demands to reply can isolate young people from others and create emotional dependence.
- Wanting to know what they’re doing all the time: A boyfriend or girlfriend may insist on always knowing where their partner is, often using location tracking as a form of surveillance disguised as care.
- Monitoring social media: Checking posts, messages and friends to control what someone says or does online.
- Pressure to share intimate images: Demanding nudes or sexually explicit photos or videos (these may later be used for blackmail or control, a form of image-based abuse).
These red flags are often dismissed as signs of love. But they can quickly escalate into controlling, fear-based relationships.
How coercive control takes hold
Coercive control usually develops in stages:
Love bombing: The relationship starts with over-the-top affection, praise or gifts. It feels intense and exciting – especially for young people new to relationships.
Isolation: The person slowly pulls their boyfriend or girlfriend away from friends, family or other supports. They may say things like, ‘I just want you to myself’ or criticise other people in the victim’s life.
Manipulation: The boyfriend or girlfriend starts controlling their boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s behaviour — such as what their partner wears and who they talk to — and uses emotional pressure, threats or confusion to maintain power.
Each step makes it harder to leave, especially when the abuse isn’t physical or obvious.
Why young people stay
Leaving a coercive relationship is difficult. Young people may stay for a number of reasons:
Emotional attachment: The bond formed during the “love bombing” phase can be difficult to break.
Fear: They worry the person will harm them or they will feel less significant.
Low self-esteem: Constant belittling can make them feel worthless or incapable of coping on their own.
Social pressures: Controlling behaviours are often normalised and even romanticised in peer groups and pop culture, making abuse harder to recognise.
What the research shows
Recent findings from an *eSafety survey suggests controlling behaviours are becoming normalised in young people’s romantic relationships:
- nearly 1 in 5 young people (18-24 years) think it’s okay to track their partner whenever they want.
- almost 1 in 3 young people believe constantly texting their partner to ask what they’re doing and who they’re with is a sign of care.
- almost 1 in 4 Australians accept password sharing as part of modern relationships.
- almost 3 in 10 say insisting on checking how a partner looks in a photo before they post it online is a reasonable request.
What you can do: advice for parents, carers and educators
Supporting a young person in a coercive relationship takes patience and empathy. Here’s how you can help:
Spot the signs
- Withdrawing from friends or activities.
- High anxiety or secrecy about their boyfriend or girlfriend.
- Changes in mood or confidence.
- Constant phone checking or fear of missing messages.
Start the conversation
- Ask open-ended questions:
- "What happens if you don’t reply to their messages?"
- "How does it feel when they want to track your location?"
- Stay calm and non-judgemental. Avoid blaming or issuing ultimatums.
Model healthy relationships
- Talk about boundaries, respect, and consent.
- Reinforce that real love is supportive, not controlling.
- Let them know it’s fine to ask for help.
Help them report abuse
- Collect evidence and report the coercive control if it is part of cyberbullying targeting a child or young person under 18, adult cyber abuse or image-based abuse (sharing, or threatening to share, an intimate image or video without the consent of the person shown).
- Find out more at How to report abuse or content to eSafety.
Be there for the long haul
- Offer consistent support — even if they’re not ready to leave the relationship.
- Reassure them they’re not alone.
- Encourage small steps, not sudden decisions.
Learn more
- Read more advice on our page about Coercive control.
- Join an eSafety webinar for parents and carers or professional training for educators.
Support services
If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control, help is available through counselling and support services:
- 1800Respect – 1800 737 732
- Kids Helpline (up to 25 years old) – 1800 55 1800
- headspace – 1800 650 890
These services provide confidential advice and support tailored to young people.
Love isn’t
Coercive control doesn’t always leave bruises – but it’s still abuse. And in a digital world, it’s easier to miss the signs.
We must give young people the tools and support to spot the signs, speak up, and build healthy relationships.
Parents, carers and educators: your voice matters. Start the conversation. Stay connected. And remind young people that love should never feel like fear.
